Teenage angst to grown 'maturity'

We all start out somewhere. I started out no where any different than that of most people. Grew up in a home surrounded by people. Sometimes your lucky, you get surrounded by people that openly show the love and support that people need to grow and mature. Sometimes, you are not so lucky and have a difficult childhood growing up. I was somewhere in between. Parents loved me, but rarely said it. In fact, the first time that I can ever remember my dad telling me he loved me was when I was 16 years old, and I can remember things back to when I was 3 years old.

It's when we get into high school, I think, that the over all effect that the nurturing and home environment shines through. I mean where people can really tell from you and your actions how your life has been up until that point. This is difficult because the social pressures of the people we attend school with can be very, well demanding to say the least. On top of which, we notice the same things in everyone else that we see in ourselves. Only problem is that sometimes we don't like what we see and tend not to get along with said person.

The greatest pressure, we (as kids) face is the whole sex thing. Grown people have been debating, arguing, and basically beating the hell out of this topic to the point that no one bothers to listen much anymore. The simple fact is that the people who are going to be getting 'laid' are the ones that need to decide for themselves whether or not they are ready to take that step. The best we can do as parents is guide them, and hope we have given them enough information to make a rational decision. Perhaps the first real rational, life affecting decision that kids have to make in their lives.

As guys, we are pressured by society, our peers, and other influences in our lives to look at sexual encounters as a conquest type of event of sorts. When we are younger, we are driven by puberty, encouraged by peers, and shunned by society for partaking in this particular act, yet we all face the choice. Those of us that participate in this... act of social stupidity (there's really no other name for it), then our friends treat us as though we've won, if we don't, those we do not really even know but seem to want to cast judgement upon us, regard us as weaklings, social outcasts, or maybe just like dirt. So what do we do? Some guys play the game and try to win, others fake their way through boasting sessions and pretend like they are even though they haven't. Some hide and shy away. They try not to let people really get to know them and in this way avoid being teased or made serious fun of. There are those though, that don't hide, don't participate, and don't give a damn about what other people think of their choice. This is the group I fell it to.

I am now in my 30's and have grown up a bit since those days. I look back at all the male posturing I witnessed, all of the ridiculous pandering to peers and the serious ass kissing of those that got laid and am quite frankly discusted by the memories. That got me thinking about my past. You see, I've only dated a hand full of women. I am very picky about whom I choose to spend my time with. Of those, I've only slept with a fraction. There was this one lady though. She had a most peculiar comment she made. We had spent hours of just sitting around, talking about anything and everything that came to mind. She was shocked in some of my responses, and just plain floored by others. I asked her once why she was always so taken back by the way I looked at life, she said

"Some people are very narrow in their view of things. Sometimes when you talk to people, they just extrude 'I am young' in the way they either think or the way they relay the ideas in their head. I am not talking about body age, but rather age of the soul. I've heard people my parents age say the dumbest crap I'd ever heard, yet here you sit sounding like someone that's been around for ages. That's what floors me. You're the first person that I've talked to who seems to be an OLD soul, a Very old soul. One day you will marry a woman and make her very happy."

I didn't quite understand where she was coming from on that end. I'm not even sure I believe I have an 'old soul' as she put it.  Most of the people I had met fell into the young category. Even at the time though, I took it as it was meant to be, and thanked her for the compliment. The main reason why I am writing this is because I recently got married about 5 months ago. I am doing my best to make my wife as happy as I can. She's a bit on the reserved side when she's around me. I don't mind, it makes me try even harder to get a good reaction out of her. If there is anything that I could say to that woman who told that to me it would be 'Thank you, for what you said and what you did. All of our past actions, good or bad, bring us to the place we are currently standing in. I love where I am at, and I love the woman I married. Thank you.'

I labeled this title the way I did because as a male, maturity never really happens. We still play with toys, only instead of action figures, its cars or computers or something more expensive. We are the never ending child that has become aware of our actions and the consequences of said actions. There is a saying that children are those with no responsibility, kids are those with chores, boys are those who know that they need to change in order to advance in society yet are afraid to because its new and different. Guys are males who still act like boys but take responsibility for their life. Men are males who have been around for too long in the same place and have forgotten what it's like to be anything but an adult. I am a guy, and I hope to never change.

Sincerely;
T.D.S.
Student of Human Nature

Passing

Honest, laughing, joker, story teller, philosopher, curious, giant heart, companion, compassionate, and intelligent.  These are just some of the words that have been told to me over the years that would describe my dad.  His passing, before his time, came as a shock to everyone.  It's difficult to understand unless you've lost someone close to you suddenly, before it's their time.  I can't do much, but I can express how I feel here.

Being a male, living in todays society, males are generally not supposed to show their emotions.  Be it from some lost notion of "being a man."  I've never been one to hold true to this concept.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, proudly.  This being said, I miss my father more than I thought I possibly could.  I think it's because his advice has always been in the back of my mind egging me on, trying to tell me to be a better man at any and all occasions.  I can't say that I've always been that, but I have strived to do that and more.  My dad was the kind of man that you would turn to on advice on anything.  He would listen to it in it's entirety then offer you advice without taking sides. 

My dad an I were never really close while growing up.  I believe he didn't know how to relate to kids.  Didn't know how to communicate with them and have the patience to wait for their understanding of a topic or an idea.  It wasn't until after my parents had gotten a divorce in which we started to understand one another.  During my adolescence my dad tried to connect with me, but I didn't have the same passions or interests that he did.  When they got divorced I was of the age where I could give thought to things that I had no interest in during a conversation to be someone who actually participated in the conversation.  That's when we started to get close.  The first REAL conversation I had with my dad (that I can recall) is when we talked about my parents getting a divorce.  I understood his relief at having a giant weight lifted off of his shoulders, that it wasn't any fault of my sister or I, but that they just couldn't be anymore for sanity's sake.

The only person I ever talked on the phone with for any length of time was my dad.  He was a seriously funny person.  Always willing to relate a story in which he looks like an idiot if it will make you laugh.  He had a very developed sense of humor.  He laughed at the sophisticated stuff and the blue collar stuff.  I'd say he leaned more towards the blue collar, but that's probably because he was a guy, and guys usually find that stuff funnier to begin with.  My dad, the man who never out grew his boyish ways. I guess this is why it's so hard to talk about it, his passing I mean.  My mom always said I was my fathers son.  He influenced me more than I had realized until it was too late and he was gone.

He passed away at a turbulent time in my life.  One chapter had been abruptly slammed shut while another was just about to get underway.  I really wish he could know the woman I've come to know, love, and respect.  I wish I could get advice from him on the things that I worry about, or another joke he heard from work.  I wish he was still with us to make us all laugh and not cry but that can't be.  Memories of him make me laugh all the time.  The way he used to tell jokes, bringing you in as though it was a real event until you get the punch line, laugh and nearly smack him for making it seem otherwise.  I wish I still had more time to get to know the man that help bring me into this world, and I wish I could tell him I'm sorry for not getting to know him sooner. 

I think that the hardest part of it all is knowing that I won't be able to share with him the things that come up in the future.  He may be watching over, but we won't be able to sit down and have a laugh together.  I won't be able to give him another gift at Christmas, or visit him while camping.  That's the hardest part, knowing that something big is coming up and not being able to call him up and talk about it.  I don't know if I will ever have any children of my own or if I will ever get married, but if either of those is to happen, I won't have him there cheering me on.  All I wanted to do was make him proud, and I hope to god that I am.  I love you dad, I miss you everyday.

T.D.S.

Student of Human Nature

Trust and Love

I want to know what it takes to earn someone’s trust.  I know trust is never an easy thing to gain, and very easy to lose.  The closer to one’s heart you’re aiming for, the harder it is to earn said trust.  Some people say that to trust is to be made a fool, yet we trust people all the time.  Small things of course, but we trust them all the same.  We have to or we would be too busy to do anything at all.  So how does one go about gaining the trust of another?

Trust is something that is built over time.  The longer the effort to earn said trust, the more depth said trust is held with.  The only other way to form a deep trust with someone is to let them in emotionally.  This is by far the hardest thing to earn.  I do not believe that trust (along with respect) should be granted automatically.  It should be earned.  The more you prove yourself trustworthy the more that should be entrusted to you.  The same goes with respect.  Too many people demand respect without showing it or giving any in return.

I have found someone that I love, completely.  All her virtues and all her faults, I wouldn’t change a thing.  They make up the woman to whom I love, in doing so however I have entrusted her with my heart.  I do not regret it in the slightest.  It was quite shocking upon realizing it though.  A bad event in my life, and though I had a lot of people around me offering their sympathy, the only person I wanted to be with was her.  The only person I wanted to express myself to was her.  A little while after this realization, I told her how I felt.  It scared her something fierce.  Her past has made her very wary of any man.  Holding dear the belief that if she lets herself feel anything, something bad will happen to her.  I don’t know how to express myself well enough to abash this belief.  I don’t hold it against her, indeed her past has given her reason to think so.  She has seen that I am not a man of her past.  Someone not to fear, someone that has no hidden adgenda other than to love her.  Still she persists in this belief.  I worry quite a lot that she will refuse to open her heart enough to openly love me with the same regard as I do her.

I hear it is strange for a man to talk about his feelings in such a way but I know no other way to do it.  I want so much to earn her trust, for her to love me as I do her. I am just at a loss as how to go about it.  All I can think of is to continue as I have been doing.  Supporting her emotionally, not allowing herself to doubt things that should not be doubted.  She probably thinks me a fool or a liar when I tell her how I feel with regards to her, but I don’t care.  I won’t change my mind.  I don’t lie for the sake of someone’s feelings. I can’t lie because a lie is the easiest way to lose a trust that’s barely given purchase.  I wonder what I can do to prove that I am who I say I am, that I am worthy of her trust.  That I am worthy of her affection and love that she refuses to let herself feel, or at the very least express.  I wonder what her expression would be when she couldn’t hold in the feelings anymore and they come bursting out without hesitation…. I wonder….  I trust her with my heart, and hope to earn hers….

T.D.S.

Student of Human Nature

Future wishs

What can the future hold? Can it be filled with pain? Can it be filled with laughter?  Will it be filled with love or will it be filled with sorrow?  No one knows the answers to this question.  So why do people always tell us to look towards the future?  What's so special about it?  It can't be that it's special because it's not now nor the past.  That's just ridiculous.  I think that it's more substantial than that.  That it is the mere possibility of what could unfold that intrigues us about it, be it good or bad. 

I wonder if there will be another world war.  I wonder if I will graduate college on time.  I wonder if I will marry the woman that I love.  I wonder if I will have a child of my own making.I wonder what the real possibilities for my future employment are.  I know where I would like to be.  I know what I would like to accomplish.  I am just not certain that all of what I dream of is a viable goal. 

Dreams are great and a waste of time depending on your own personal point of view.  Personally I find dreams to be handy and distracting all in one.  They can help you focus your life goals and engross you into losing track of the things that are truly important in your life.  I would venture to guess that even a distraction from time to time is a good thing.  So long as said distraction isn't all encompassing. 

I have 3 dreams that I wish to come completely true.  I want to marry the love of my life.  I want to have a child with said woman so that I can always have a part of her.  I want to create a company that offers low cost high gain (for the consumer) telecommunications company that offers services to people through a fiber optics network (Internet and T.V.).  Pretty much in that order.  I know I will finish school, that's the easy part.  I know my bills will get paid off sooner or later (preferably sooner).  I know that there are people in my life that  love me and wish for me to succeed.   Unfortunately, I don't know a lot more.  I don't know how to go about building this network I want to happen.  I don't know where I can get the money to build said network.  I don't know when I will graduate for sure because getting into the right classes at the right time is a pain.  I don't know many more things that I can't even begin to list.

All this being said, there is one thing that I am grateful for.  I have found an amazing woman who is a wonderful mother to her kids.  She has the sweetest personality and a great sense of humor.  She is a little shy and a little reserved.  This is a learned habit that she's actually starting to break which makes her all the better.  She has a big heart but is scared I will damage it.  I can't tell her not to be scared because it will do nothing.  I can tell her that she shouldn't fear me or anything that I might do, but it doesn't do much.  I know I have to show her how much I care, how much I wish to be there for her, how much I want to see her smile, laugh and be happy.  She knows I love her, truly love her.  Is she the love of my life?  I don't know, but won't it be great to find out?  I am extremely patient.  I do not fault her for being afraid.  She has her reasons.  I fault myself for feeling like sometimes I rush things.  Above all else though, I am waiting for that future date when she tells me how she feels about me.  When she realizes that I can't and won't do any harm to her.  I couldn't even if I knew how.  I am hopeful for a future date when she expresses all these things that are bottled up in side so I might see the her that I know is inside screaming to come out.

Stressful Times

Who are we to stress on all things big and small?  We try not to stress when we're stressed which stresses us out even more.  We try to let things go even though they fester in our minds.  I am of the mind that those who can should and those who can't should learn how.   Everyone has the possibility to grow beyond their own limitations yet seldom do we see anyone try.


I had the most interesting day today and yet I can't let it go.  I've done nothing wrong yet I feel strange, like I should've done something different.  Like a weird thought in the back of my mind going "you forgot *blah* and need to fix that."  I wonder where said voice comes from.  According to Christopher Titus, we pick him up on our way out of the door from our parents house the first time we move out.  Although I think him to be a brilliant comedian, I don't think that's entirely true.  I believe this inner voice to always be around. 

How can we move past a days events without holding a grudge when those in our past hold them as high as the sky for the world to view?  I would like an answer but I doubt very much that I will ever find one.

T.D.S.
Student of Human Nature

The "I Am" Decree

            I am an intellectual, I am a guy, and I am a moron.  I am observant, I am patient, and I am lost.  I am strange, I am weird and I am laughable.  I am a dork, I am a goober, but I am also fun to be with.  I am neither cruel nor disrespectful to those who deserve neither, I am caring, and I am lustful.  With all that being said, above all else I am a fool.

            The saying goes “Only fools fall in love.”  Why?  Why does that have to be the case?  Is it because fools allow themselves to be vulnerable to those they deem worthy of their affection? Whatever the reason behind the saying, I would rather be a fool any day of the week than be without love for one day of my life. Those who say that love is not worth it have never been in love themselves.  It is only an opinion, but it is also an opinion based on personal experience.

            So the question then becomes, why do we put ourselves out to be so vulnerable?  If it was a physical pain, we could numb it.  The issue isn’t physical though, it is emotional.  When someone returns the feelings you put forth to them, you feel like a pilot.  Flying higher than birds, looking down as though everyday is a calm summer day, were there is a warm breeze.  When those feelings are torn from your life, it feels as though you’re one of those birds that gets sucked into the jet engine and forced out the other end, falling without a parachute.  You wish, hope and pray that the pain will go away but it doesn’t.  It is something to which you can only suffer through.  Why do we put ourselves in a position to potentially feel such pain?

            We are a species that revels in emotions and curses them in the same breath.  We are ones that seek an emotional bond with someone else, and curse their name when things go badly.  We want all without risk, yet risk all for the want of a connection, a connection that lasts a life time.  The question seems to be to find a way to sift through all of those to which things are compatible to find the best fit.  If someone finds a way to find said person who is perceived in the same light, then that someone is the richest person in the world.  They are the envy of those around them, and the desire for those that seek companionship.

            I am a fool, because I have tossed my dice in to find that person.  Initially all I wanted was to find someone that I can laugh with, share experiences with, and turn to me when she is feeling blue.  I don't know if I have found this person yet but my hopes are high.  I have met someone with many, many, many more things in common with me than in my previous relationship.  Will this make me a fool? One can only hope.  Will the future bring fruit to bare?  I don't know, but it is exciting to see the future unravel like a flag in the wind, waiting to shine.  I am .... A fool, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

T.D.S

Student of Human Nature