Trust and Love

I want to know what it takes to earn someone’s trust.  I know trust is never an easy thing to gain, and very easy to lose.  The closer to one’s heart you’re aiming for, the harder it is to earn said trust.  Some people say that to trust is to be made a fool, yet we trust people all the time.  Small things of course, but we trust them all the same.  We have to or we would be too busy to do anything at all.  So how does one go about gaining the trust of another?

Trust is something that is built over time.  The longer the effort to earn said trust, the more depth said trust is held with.  The only other way to form a deep trust with someone is to let them in emotionally.  This is by far the hardest thing to earn.  I do not believe that trust (along with respect) should be granted automatically.  It should be earned.  The more you prove yourself trustworthy the more that should be entrusted to you.  The same goes with respect.  Too many people demand respect without showing it or giving any in return.

I have found someone that I love, completely.  All her virtues and all her faults, I wouldn’t change a thing.  They make up the woman to whom I love, in doing so however I have entrusted her with my heart.  I do not regret it in the slightest.  It was quite shocking upon realizing it though.  A bad event in my life, and though I had a lot of people around me offering their sympathy, the only person I wanted to be with was her.  The only person I wanted to express myself to was her.  A little while after this realization, I told her how I felt.  It scared her something fierce.  Her past has made her very wary of any man.  Holding dear the belief that if she lets herself feel anything, something bad will happen to her.  I don’t know how to express myself well enough to abash this belief.  I don’t hold it against her, indeed her past has given her reason to think so.  She has seen that I am not a man of her past.  Someone not to fear, someone that has no hidden adgenda other than to love her.  Still she persists in this belief.  I worry quite a lot that she will refuse to open her heart enough to openly love me with the same regard as I do her.

I hear it is strange for a man to talk about his feelings in such a way but I know no other way to do it.  I want so much to earn her trust, for her to love me as I do her. I am just at a loss as how to go about it.  All I can think of is to continue as I have been doing.  Supporting her emotionally, not allowing herself to doubt things that should not be doubted.  She probably thinks me a fool or a liar when I tell her how I feel with regards to her, but I don’t care.  I won’t change my mind.  I don’t lie for the sake of someone’s feelings. I can’t lie because a lie is the easiest way to lose a trust that’s barely given purchase.  I wonder what I can do to prove that I am who I say I am, that I am worthy of her trust.  That I am worthy of her affection and love that she refuses to let herself feel, or at the very least express.  I wonder what her expression would be when she couldn’t hold in the feelings anymore and they come bursting out without hesitation…. I wonder….  I trust her with my heart, and hope to earn hers….

T.D.S.

Student of Human Nature

Future wishs

What can the future hold? Can it be filled with pain? Can it be filled with laughter?  Will it be filled with love or will it be filled with sorrow?  No one knows the answers to this question.  So why do people always tell us to look towards the future?  What's so special about it?  It can't be that it's special because it's not now nor the past.  That's just ridiculous.  I think that it's more substantial than that.  That it is the mere possibility of what could unfold that intrigues us about it, be it good or bad. 

I wonder if there will be another world war.  I wonder if I will graduate college on time.  I wonder if I will marry the woman that I love.  I wonder if I will have a child of my own making.I wonder what the real possibilities for my future employment are.  I know where I would like to be.  I know what I would like to accomplish.  I am just not certain that all of what I dream of is a viable goal. 

Dreams are great and a waste of time depending on your own personal point of view.  Personally I find dreams to be handy and distracting all in one.  They can help you focus your life goals and engross you into losing track of the things that are truly important in your life.  I would venture to guess that even a distraction from time to time is a good thing.  So long as said distraction isn't all encompassing. 

I have 3 dreams that I wish to come completely true.  I want to marry the love of my life.  I want to have a child with said woman so that I can always have a part of her.  I want to create a company that offers low cost high gain (for the consumer) telecommunications company that offers services to people through a fiber optics network (Internet and T.V.).  Pretty much in that order.  I know I will finish school, that's the easy part.  I know my bills will get paid off sooner or later (preferably sooner).  I know that there are people in my life that  love me and wish for me to succeed.   Unfortunately, I don't know a lot more.  I don't know how to go about building this network I want to happen.  I don't know where I can get the money to build said network.  I don't know when I will graduate for sure because getting into the right classes at the right time is a pain.  I don't know many more things that I can't even begin to list.

All this being said, there is one thing that I am grateful for.  I have found an amazing woman who is a wonderful mother to her kids.  She has the sweetest personality and a great sense of humor.  She is a little shy and a little reserved.  This is a learned habit that she's actually starting to break which makes her all the better.  She has a big heart but is scared I will damage it.  I can't tell her not to be scared because it will do nothing.  I can tell her that she shouldn't fear me or anything that I might do, but it doesn't do much.  I know I have to show her how much I care, how much I wish to be there for her, how much I want to see her smile, laugh and be happy.  She knows I love her, truly love her.  Is she the love of my life?  I don't know, but won't it be great to find out?  I am extremely patient.  I do not fault her for being afraid.  She has her reasons.  I fault myself for feeling like sometimes I rush things.  Above all else though, I am waiting for that future date when she tells me how she feels about me.  When she realizes that I can't and won't do any harm to her.  I couldn't even if I knew how.  I am hopeful for a future date when she expresses all these things that are bottled up in side so I might see the her that I know is inside screaming to come out.

Stressful Times

Who are we to stress on all things big and small?  We try not to stress when we're stressed which stresses us out even more.  We try to let things go even though they fester in our minds.  I am of the mind that those who can should and those who can't should learn how.   Everyone has the possibility to grow beyond their own limitations yet seldom do we see anyone try.


I had the most interesting day today and yet I can't let it go.  I've done nothing wrong yet I feel strange, like I should've done something different.  Like a weird thought in the back of my mind going "you forgot *blah* and need to fix that."  I wonder where said voice comes from.  According to Christopher Titus, we pick him up on our way out of the door from our parents house the first time we move out.  Although I think him to be a brilliant comedian, I don't think that's entirely true.  I believe this inner voice to always be around. 

How can we move past a days events without holding a grudge when those in our past hold them as high as the sky for the world to view?  I would like an answer but I doubt very much that I will ever find one.

T.D.S.
Student of Human Nature

The "I Am" Decree

            I am an intellectual, I am a guy, and I am a moron.  I am observant, I am patient, and I am lost.  I am strange, I am weird and I am laughable.  I am a dork, I am a goober, but I am also fun to be with.  I am neither cruel nor disrespectful to those who deserve neither, I am caring, and I am lustful.  With all that being said, above all else I am a fool.

            The saying goes “Only fools fall in love.”  Why?  Why does that have to be the case?  Is it because fools allow themselves to be vulnerable to those they deem worthy of their affection? Whatever the reason behind the saying, I would rather be a fool any day of the week than be without love for one day of my life. Those who say that love is not worth it have never been in love themselves.  It is only an opinion, but it is also an opinion based on personal experience.

            So the question then becomes, why do we put ourselves out to be so vulnerable?  If it was a physical pain, we could numb it.  The issue isn’t physical though, it is emotional.  When someone returns the feelings you put forth to them, you feel like a pilot.  Flying higher than birds, looking down as though everyday is a calm summer day, were there is a warm breeze.  When those feelings are torn from your life, it feels as though you’re one of those birds that gets sucked into the jet engine and forced out the other end, falling without a parachute.  You wish, hope and pray that the pain will go away but it doesn’t.  It is something to which you can only suffer through.  Why do we put ourselves in a position to potentially feel such pain?

            We are a species that revels in emotions and curses them in the same breath.  We are ones that seek an emotional bond with someone else, and curse their name when things go badly.  We want all without risk, yet risk all for the want of a connection, a connection that lasts a life time.  The question seems to be to find a way to sift through all of those to which things are compatible to find the best fit.  If someone finds a way to find said person who is perceived in the same light, then that someone is the richest person in the world.  They are the envy of those around them, and the desire for those that seek companionship.

            I am a fool, because I have tossed my dice in to find that person.  Initially all I wanted was to find someone that I can laugh with, share experiences with, and turn to me when she is feeling blue.  I don't know if I have found this person yet but my hopes are high.  I have met someone with many, many, many more things in common with me than in my previous relationship.  Will this make me a fool? One can only hope.  Will the future bring fruit to bare?  I don't know, but it is exciting to see the future unravel like a flag in the wind, waiting to shine.  I am .... A fool, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

T.D.S

Student of Human Nature