Being a male, living in todays society, males are generally not supposed to show their emotions. Be it from some lost notion of "being a man." I've never been one to hold true to this concept. I wear my heart on my sleeve, proudly. This being said, I miss my father more than I thought I possibly could. I think it's because his advice has always been in the back of my mind egging me on, trying to tell me to be a better man at any and all occasions. I can't say that I've always been that, but I have strived to do that and more. My dad was the kind of man that you would turn to on advice on anything. He would listen to it in it's entirety then offer you advice without taking sides.
My dad an I were never really close while growing up. I believe he didn't know how to relate to kids. Didn't know how to communicate with them and have the patience to wait for their understanding of a topic or an idea. It wasn't until after my parents had gotten a divorce in which we started to understand one another. During my adolescence my dad tried to connect with me, but I didn't have the same passions or interests that he did. When they got divorced I was of the age where I could give thought to things that I had no interest in during a conversation to be someone who actually participated in the conversation. That's when we started to get close. The first REAL conversation I had with my dad (that I can recall) is when we talked about my parents getting a divorce. I understood his relief at having a giant weight lifted off of his shoulders, that it wasn't any fault of my sister or I, but that they just couldn't be anymore for sanity's sake.
The only person I ever talked on the phone with for any length of time was my dad. He was a seriously funny person. Always willing to relate a story in which he looks like an idiot if it will make you laugh. He had a very developed sense of humor. He laughed at the sophisticated stuff and the blue collar stuff. I'd say he leaned more towards the blue collar, but that's probably because he was a guy, and guys usually find that stuff funnier to begin with. My dad, the man who never out grew his boyish ways. I guess this is why it's so hard to talk about it, his passing I mean. My mom always said I was my fathers son. He influenced me more than I had realized until it was too late and he was gone.
He passed away at a turbulent time in my life. One chapter had been abruptly slammed shut while another was just about to get underway. I really wish he could know the woman I've come to know, love, and respect. I wish I could get advice from him on the things that I worry about, or another joke he heard from work. I wish he was still with us to make us all laugh and not cry but that can't be. Memories of him make me laugh all the time. The way he used to tell jokes, bringing you in as though it was a real event until you get the punch line, laugh and nearly smack him for making it seem otherwise. I wish I still had more time to get to know the man that help bring me into this world, and I wish I could tell him I'm sorry for not getting to know him sooner.
I think that the hardest part of it all is knowing that I won't be able to share with him the things that come up in the future. He may be watching over, but we won't be able to sit down and have a laugh together. I won't be able to give him another gift at Christmas, or visit him while camping. That's the hardest part, knowing that something big is coming up and not being able to call him up and talk about it. I don't know if I will ever have any children of my own or if I will ever get married, but if either of those is to happen, I won't have him there cheering me on. All I wanted to do was make him proud, and I hope to god that I am. I love you dad, I miss you everyday.
T.D.S.
Student of Human Nature
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